LOVE IN MARRIAGE,

It took me a long time to gather and organise my thoughts on this particular subject, for it is the most important element in a successful marriage; and the most difficult to writing about. It is the one that underlines everything within it; and is the glue that keeps it together.

Unfortunately the word ‘Love’ has been over-used and abused and does no longer express that which I think it should. It has become a substitute for words like sex; lust and desire, and is used as a form of greeting etc.

Love it self, takes many forms: There is the love of a parent for example, which is very different to the love between a couple; and a couple’s love does change with time and circumstances. So what do I see as love in marriage?

First and foremost, I see marriage, in our western society, as the natural progress of a love relationship that started with a strong attraction two people had, and still have, to one another. A step up if you will. A step of what the Chinese call – ‘becoming whole with the other’; or a step where ‘one has found one’s soul-mate’,

If I dissect and look at love from a detached angle – I can see it as being a very selfish act. You love one, because he/she makes you feel good, makes you feel wanted, makes you feel worthy and so on. You love one to satisfy your need to lavish another with all the goodness of your heart; emotionally, physically and materially, which in turn makes you feel well about yourself.

It is true that some loves aren’t being reciprocated. This is very sad indeed, and has no place in marriage.

You get married because you think your other half will give you all of the above and more. This, however, applys to that other half as well, and here, some of the compromise and adjustments I spoke of before, come in.

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Being possessed by love, full of admiration adoration, and passion, you get married, and love turns a corner. Now you want to build a nest where love can flourish. This corner is the first of many, where everyone that follows brings new and exciting experiences, regardless if good or bad; for you grow together with each. Here the operative word is – together. If you do not do it together, you grow apart.

Before we got married, Gerry wanted to wait till he will be well established; to look after me in a manner I was not accustomed to. For me, this was an odd notion. I felt strongly that I do not want someone to ‘look after me’. I wanted the right to achieve and enjoy the process. Thus, we did not wait, did everything together, and it turned out to be the right decision.

As we go through the various stages of life and mature, love adjusts and matures as well. It becomes, to a very great extent, a deep friendship of mutual understanding, admiration, reliance and trust.

This process, however, depends on the individuals involved; because one can fall in love and one can fall out of love according to the way he/she synchronizes its thought processes. You can see the good and the best in your beloved, or you can look, and for sure find, that which you don’t like or which irritates you, and what you eventually hate.

Through out our 54 years of marriage we never thought of not loving each other. We never looked outside the square of our marriage. We always worked together for our mutual progress within that marriage.

We always trusted each other implicitly, and I do mean implicitly;

Marriage is a contract. If you don’t want to keep it, don’t get into it.

With us, the door was and is always open; neither of us needs to stay. We got into this contract because we wanted to. Because we loved each other and still do. And as I said before – without love – there is no marriage.

During all the years, we constantly found and still find things we want to do and achieve. We rarely, if ever, sit idle waiting for life to pass us by. We talk a lot on different subjects we encounter, share, learn and experience new things and new developments; and stay alert to that which is around us.

We dance with passion and socialize, and at the same time give room to each other according to each needs and wants. AND most importantly – we do laugh at ourselves. We can see the funny side of us and of each of us; and often, it is very healing.

We hug, kiss and laugh and always touch or stroke each other when we pass by, bar for when we are mad at each other, which does come up here and there in any relationship; and are not shy of asking very personal question and sharing very personal thoughts. This does not mean that we do not criticise each other as well – we do.

Yes another thing I just remember, from time to time, spontaneously and out of the blue, we tell each other in various forms that we love them.

All of the above comes naturally to us and it reaffirms that which we got married for in the first place.

We live in a disposable world, but love is not a disposable commodity. It is too emotional, precious and dainty to be discarded or done away with, without deep and long lasting hurtful consequences to all involved.

Renate

Artist, poet & the Author of

 From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country  

http://www.promisedland-renate.com/